Need help with what I have written so far

[Simon]

Hi everybody, my name is Simon, I'm 23 years old and have just started writing a book. After a recurring dream I have had for months I could see everything that happened as though it was a film, but I knew I would struggle to write a book nevermind a film. So I broke things down into an order writing very detailed notes. The first few chapters are going to be extremely difficult as they are the backstory to the characters which is vital for building empathy later on for the parts in which I have so clearly in my head. So basically I have just finished my first chapter. Only a rough draft with gramatical errors and far from the finished version. I just want some honest feedback so I know where to add, where to take away, whats liked and disliked so far, which will help with my direction. Thanks

[Simon]

CHAPTER 1- THE THORNES


Soft echoes of guitar strings bounce around a damp hazy room as Danny clicks back to where he was off key yet again. "Wearing that same old shaggy dress" A slight sigh struggles its way out of his strained vocal chords. "Dress" Gently sliding his frayed guitar strap from around his smoke infused blazer, Danny reaches for the dusty brass latch on his street view window. Smoke seeps out as the vacuum is created and he is no longer a drowning fish struggling for air. He surfaces to flick the smouldering tab end onto his perfectly cut 2cm high square patch of evergreen grass, when his cloudy eyes catch a glimpse of the apparently white Vauxhall Corsa pulling into the cul-de-sac. "Crap" In a panic the glowing tab end hits the flaked wooden frame, causing the hot embers to fall back onto his aching freckled hand. "Balls"

With a quick waft of the fan and squeeze of the deodorant can, the room appears habitable again, just in time to hear the familiar squeal of the rusting Corsa brakes, followed by the clunk of the faded red door; that Danny had fitted last year in an attempt to prove his masculinity to his mum.
"How many times have I told you not to smoke in this house? I only ask one thing from you Daniel and you can't even respect that! You know I'm not stupid , people tell me things you know!"
The 2 thuds of Alison kicking off her shoes are swiftly followed by subtle footsteps, headed toward the spotted 1960's curtain acting as a door in which Danny was now cowering behind."And when are you going to put your bloody door back on?" Another attempt to prove his masculinity, this time failing. Still silent he peered around the corner to look up with a puppy dog expression
"That look only worked when you was 7, not 17." Her face had betrayed her with just a little hint of a smirk, the cloudy eyes had vanished and now eagle-eyed Danny didn't miss the fact that his unusually confrontational mum had succumb to the oldest trick in the book.

"Home early again?" He enquired. "Yeah there wasn't much on today, I had a longer lunch break too." Danny was always very observant, he always notices the finer details that most would miss. That's what made him such a good songwriter, his attention to detail and the way he viewed the world made it easy for him to paint grand pictures with small words. He stretched his left hand towards his mum who was now sat on his perfectly made bed,beckoning for his guitar. His mum obliged with a customary tut, sensing; taking it from the rye smile on his face, what observation had been made. He played a few chords then in an old McDonald styled melody then started to list all the details Alison had feebly tried to hide from him; a small smudge of glowing red lipstick on her right ear, made noticeable because she was missing her diamanté earring that Danny had given her, her fluffy black bobble unusually tight to her head for somebody who had been at work for 9 hours, a faint salmon glow on her normally soft pale cheeks. Switching from old McDonald ...
"Black sheep black sheep have you any wool? No??? Oh I see, but you have a shirt that’s still inside out." Roars of laughter from the pair of them with an undertone of embarrassment from Alison.
"Ha-ha OK OK, you got me."She twirped. "Guess we're both guilty parties today eh mum"
Pulling an astonishingly perfected puppy dog face back to Danny, she then used her years of wisdom to her advantage "We might both be guilty parties but at least I don't stink as much as you, I think I would prefer to smell the stale smoke rather than your body odour, I suggest you try using some of that deo on yourself once in a while" She creaked upright and sblack personed to herself as she saw the ball busted expression on her sons face, proud that she could still do so after all these long hard fought years. She barely made it to the stairs... Danny came back hard.
"Since your home early then, I'll let you stick the kettle on and let you attempt to cook tea, not like you've done anything else productive all day, unless we're celebrating a promotion?!"
She shook her head in acknowledgement of defeat but still with a schoolgirl grin beaming on her face, even more proud of herself for raising a son with which she could have such an open light hearted relationship with.

With the faded 1960 acoustic Gibson classic back in hand a cocky Danny started to play a bit of his own material,material more suited to his own raspy steady like a train, sharp like a razor, Johnny Cash-esc voice. An up-tempo piece with plenty of raspy licks, he took inspiration for this one when he caught his favourite maths teacher clock watching. Slumped into his school issued 'cushioned' swivel chair, 5 o'clock shadow turning darker as the seconds dragged on. His ageing right hand propping up his lifeless zombie like face, elbow pivoting side to side in time with each snap of the elastic band that his left hand was fumbling with. While observing this, Danny had totally forgotten about the boxes that lay empty, the millionth multiple choice test his teacher had issued this week. Instead Danny was writing down what he saw, small lyrics that popped into his musically gifted brain. Ideas and images exploding from pen to his torn and tattered Sketch book that his dad had given him the last time he saw him. Danny's identity, everything you needed to know about him, the measure of the man, in almost 1000 full pages of lyrical genius. Danny knew he was lucky, if Mr Flack had actually been in this reality he more than likely would have been suspected of cheating, as though his prized possession would have anything remotely to do with actual school work in it.

"Tea's ready." His mums chirpy voice bringing him out of his own nullified musically induced zombie-like state, and for a second he thought he must have been day dreaming for hours. Alison was neither the best, or the quickest cook in the world, and that would be giving more generosity than her cooking deserves. Until it dawned on him she meant cup of tea, shaking his empty head trying to bring some tangible thought process back, he plodded down the stairs to grasp his opportunity for a caffeine based energy boost, when he saw a chicken! Not a pre-cooked one like she normally buys, this one was raw. Pimpled pink stretchy skin, with two yet to be drumsticks shackled together. Reminiscence of what used to be feathers poking every which way. All neatly bundled in the middle of a 10 year old, brand new cooking tray. Horror swept across his anxious brow beaten face. "Mum, you know when I said cook tea, I meant pay for take-away of some kind. I'm not fussy today, Indian, Italian, Chinese, I'm really not that bothered, but there's NO way I'm eating your chicken! Remember what happened last time?" Alison’s most recent attempt to cook chicken had resulted in Danny writing a song titled 'The Chicken Trot Blues'
"It's my new years resolution, we can't live off of take-away forever"
"Mum, you can't call it a new years resolution in the middle of March!"
"Well you know where the menu's are, help yourself" Danny flickered through the vast selection of take away menu's that had massed in the tall pantry like larder that used to hold all the pots, pans, crousets and various other cooking utensils, they went a long time ago, well before the Chicken Trot Blues had happened. As he removed the holy grail of take away menu's he noticed the familiar bow of the shelf disappear slightly, which still made him laugh. Although his mum was an awful cook she had a point. When your shelves are collapsing under the weight of menus it's probably time to take action.

Instead he had opted for the cop out, the allure of his favourite meal, chips, cheese and beans, a guilty pleasure that him and his mother shared. It could also be the most healthy of options afforded to them."I'm off to the chippy, are you really expecting to eat that or do you want me to fetch something back?"Caught in two minds Alison also opted for the safe rout and said if edible, they could have the chicken tomorrow for lunch, most women at 40 would be self conscious, watching their figures,especially 1 having a fling with their boss, but not Alison. She had always been comfortable in her own skin, A trait that Danny genuinely admired about her, admired but never emulated.

He was possibly the most desired young man at his school,with his robust jaw line, his seemingly stylized hazelnut stubble, his perfectly straight chocolate brown Justin Bieber haircut; that actually never needed any product, he woke up every morning with it that way. The most alluring feature that Danny had was his fathers eyes. Piercing bright blue eyes, Brighter than the skies on a perfectly clear summers day. Eyes that models would pay to have, or beg to have photo shopped. The traditional tall, dark and handsome stereotype, with his aura of mystery that had surrounded him ever since he first picked up the guitar;clearly another feature that the girls loved. He was definitely a guy that boys wanted to be like, and girls wanted to be with. Of course, Danny didn't know any of this, he'd never had first kiss never mind a girlfriend. He didn't even have many friends,not through the lack of others trying though, more to do with Danny’s cavalier approach to life, he spent so much time admiring the little miracles he saw everyday, the finer details which had engrossed him so deeply into his music, that he had never really afforded anybody other than his mum any time. This made Danny stutter and stumble around other people, so fluid with his mum, and with his song writing, words didn't come so easy and conversation was difficult. He didn't have the internet like everybody else, he wasn't bothered about a phone, so more and more Danny was isolating himself, the worst thing is that he knew it too, the more he wished he could speak confidently to people, the less sure he felt of himself, burying himself deeper into his music and with every fluffed line the cycle started all over again.

"Get a move on then, you don't want to be stuck in the queues again do you? Besides, I need you back quick today." Something never before said to Danny, his mum was so laid back and liberal that he had never been given a time to be back, to be honest it never really mattered, he was never out with anybody, and never strayed too far from home."What? Why? What's up?"
"Well I might need my knight in shining armour to come rescue me from a house fire" He shook his head at his mums terrible joke and sped off to his room, he threw his dirty school uniform into the wicker washing basket and reached for his dads favourite cheque shirt. It was still a little bit too big for him but that's why he liked it so much. It made him feel as though he still had room to grow. He flicked a pencil into the air, rested it on the top of his ear, clutched his sketchbook and he was on his way. It didn't take long for him to realize that the inevitability of the British weather was about to strike, Danny could find beauty in anything, anything except the rain, I'm sure if he tried he could, he just saw it as a hindrance to his work. He didn't want his already despairing sketchbook to get ruined. As soon as the realization had hit, he found himself muttering aloud. "Great, wet rain" The type of rain that Danny hated the most, the finest of molecules descending on the world, so fine than it was barely even visible, you can just feel yourself getting slightly more moist, and slightly more cold with every passing millisecond. He hid his book underneath the sponge of a shirt, pulling it up as he did so, creating an ineffective hood out of the extra length.

Georgio's wasn't too far from the Thorne household, only a few streets so Danny extended his brisk walk into a vigorous run, his shaggy jeans trying to falter him with every half a step, causing a cowboy like swag, the shirt acting as blinkers narrowing his vision and his arms tucked in clutching the book, he looked like a penguin in a zumba class. Fortunately there was a lot of passing shelter on rout, the formerly well lit bus stop in which Danny had been subject to too many missed school buses, the over hanging broad oak trees in which he had often climbed to make his notes,also provided brief respite from the dreary conditions. Before he knew it the familiar lights of Georgio's, The G hadn't been lit for as long as he could remember. His mum had been right, it only looked like two people were queueing inside, although this time Danny wouldn't of minded waiting a little longer, hoping for the rain to fade. As he drew closer his eyes were drawn to the 2nd person in the queue. Lilly Etheridge. Lilly was a year younger than him but despite her age she was by far the most fancied girl at his school. Unusually though their paths hadn't crossed before, all he knew of Lilly was what he had overheard everybody else say about her, that and the fact her sister Rose was in the same class as him for English. Anxiety was building rapidly in the gasping drenched shy young man, and he was contemplating turning back just to avoid the possibility of conversation, but the thought of what was waiting for him back home far exceeded the risk of yet another awkward social encounter. Besides, she probably didn't even know who he was.

Danny spurred on with the chorus of the Chicken Trot Blues ringing in his ears, plucked up the courage to move 1 scruffy trainer in front of the other, dragging his baggy frayed jeans behind him. Step by step he inched his way forward, totally forgetting about the rain, now more focussed on Lilly, he smartened himself, pulling up his jeans, tightening his before now pointless belt, retracting the self made hood. Although shy and guarded, Danny knew looking like a scruff wasn't going to win him any friends. He crept his way into the side door of the chip shop that was rarely used, hoping to avoid detection from Lilly in front of him. Head down, shoulders hunched and hands in pockets Danny was now successfully in the queue unnoticed. He made sure to leave plenty of space between them so he didn't alert her senses as to the presence of somebody else behind her, the noise of the bubbling fryers, the rustling of paper and the electric knife hacking at the oozing slab of donner meat, seemed to have also aided his cause, making his entrance seem more discrete than he could of hoped for.

Now confident of his invisibility his eyes started to observe and was immediately drawn to the leggings that Lilly was wearing. Tight ¾ length navy blue backdrop, with a scattered array of multi coloured leaves,petals and flowers coming together into a sort of vine sweeping up her legs, following the curves of her figure, leading to her perfectly shaped bottom that Danny's eyes were now fixated on. Not because of the talents on show in front of him, more to do with the fact they reminded him of his nan’s old curtains. This observation had accidentally caused him to make a small grunt of laughter. All the hard work he had done to be inconspicuous, ruined.
“See anything you like Danny?” Lilly had in fact noticed Danny walk in, but was biding her time to find the perfect moment to strike up conversation. To her amazement she had turned around as Danny was mid gaze, fixating. His eyes shot up with an expression of horror, and his face waiting for his brain to tell it what to do to try and rescue the situation. Nothing, no instructions sent, face still petrified his eyes shot straight back down to stare at his soggy weeping laces.

“I think he was admiring you're leggings sweetheart” Salvation, Georgio the chip shop owner to Danny's rescue. Knowing Danny and his mum for several years Georgio was perhaps the most human interaction that Danny got other than his teachers and mum. Seeing his regular struggling, Georgio had just assumed that Danny was admiring the same thing he was, unbeknown to him that Danny was actually innocent. “Well that's a shame I was quite hoping he was admiring something else” Danny's face instantly heating up, glowing bright red along with Georgio's too. Both were stunned, both lost for words, and both embarrassed. A slight awkward silence swept over the shop, but was soon filled with the voice of Georgio again, telling Danny he was waiting on chips. Great, Danny thought to himself, now wishing he had risked his mums chicken, the last thing he wanted was to spend more time here. “So Danny, I've not seen you out of school before, I just assumed you lived miles away or something?” He knew he had to at least provide some words, he couldn't just sit there and pretend he was still hidden, as much as he wanted to. After a pause in a broken voice he replied “Broad walk crescent” Some words at least, not the full sentence that he would of hoped for but at least it was a start. Lilly's confidence clearly intimidating him, she attempted a more subtle approach, her directness normally had guys pining after her. An inadvertent gauntlet laid down by Danny, challenging Lilly to get some free flowing conversation.
“Oh right, I didn't realize you lived so close, I only live on Birkwood not too far. What are you doing later?” With the mistake of the last few words uttered He then fired back a response with hopes that if he didn't delay he wouldn't have any time to panic and stumble. “Eating” Georgio now recovered from his embarrassment wasn't going to risk himself again and was sitting back with sheer awe at Danny. Neither him or Lilly sure if the comment was meant to be sarcastic. Lilly thought she better laugh anyway in case it was an attempt at humour, this was probably the worst thing for Danny's pride.

Third time lucky as Lilly's order was now ready wrapped and paid for, nobody in the world has ever been as happy as him to see a sweating brown paper bag. He just wished he had 1 earlier to hide his head under. Still undertaking the challenge Lilly stayed. “Well I know you're eating Danny I meant after that, are you going out? Staying in?” Undeterred her probing was testing, and he was failing badly, fed up and already at his wits end he just spat words out and remarkably formed a sentence. “I'm staying in with mum, I'm tired so I'm going to bed after I've eaten” Danny and Georgio both amazed that an actual sentence was formed, not a sentence of much meaningful content, nothing interesting, but at least he had answered the question competently. “Home? You want to get yourself out a bit more”
Unsure of what to, or even whether to reply he attempted to employ the same tactics as before. “Home is where the heart is” The success of 20 seconds previous now wiped from the history books. Why on earth did he say that? Georgio slapping his head in anguish just out of Danny's peripheral vision. He had to resist the urge himself. “Well that can be changed you know Danny, see you around.” At last Danny was relieved to see the back of Lilly, Georgio too but for different reasons.

Both silent until Lilly was out of hearing distance Danny let out a big deep breathe, and now let himself slap his head in despair. He lent on the condensed glass frame of the hot lights and shook his head, before jolting up forgetting that they were hot. Twice he had burned himself panicking today. Georgio's Paternal instincts that had failed to save Danny earlier kicked in again, he started sblack personing as he was wrapping the order and merely repeated Danny’s last sentence. “Home is where the heart is? Where the hell did that come from?” Danny snatched his food and rushed for the door. “ Danny,Danny wait, come back lad I didn't mean no offence.” He reluctantly took a few steps back, stumbling as he stood on a loose tear of his now chaffing jeans. “It's all trial and error with women mate, there's no fool proof method, every single one of them is different, and even though you couldn't of messed that up more if you tried, she still likes you.” He performed an about face that any of the armed forces would have been proud of, a smile hung from his face, bright blue eyes sparkling with intrigue. “Yeah? How do you know?” In his rush to forget what had happened and what he had said, he missed the reply he got from Lilly. Not intentionally ignoring her, just too busy to listen while in sheer rage at himself. “You heard her lad, 'well that can be changed' she was dropping a major hint there. Here take this bottle of pop round and tell your mum I said hi.” Georgio feeling guilty for his own failed attempts and feeling slightly guilty for checking out what he hoped to be at least a 16 year old, gave him a free bottle of coke in hopes to sort of reconcile with Danny and to try and compensate him.

With a show of gratitude he was on his way back home, not paying attention to the bright roaring sun that had now made a rare appearance and was slowly drying him out, or the big rip in his jeans due to the slight stumble that stretched jaggedly to his knee. He was evaluating everything that just happened, and for once not in his sketchbook. Perhaps the first time that Danny had made any significant stride towards a friend at least, but he wasn't sure how it had made him feel. Although encouraged by Georgio he was dreading the thought of bumping into her again. How would he explain himself? What would he say to her? How could he stop himself saying stupid moronic things like he just had. His mind wandered further contemplating the reasons for his failures. Not for the conversation this time, more for the ninja like entrance that must have been more like a thundering elephant for her to have noticed him. How did she manage to choose the precise moment where he was fixated on her bum to turn around. Thoughts that would cycle over and over, all through his dinner, all through his shower, and all while he was tossing and turning until 4am when his mental exhaustion finally finished him off.

[MANCHEE!Todd?]

Okay so maybe it is just me being a critic but I think it would be better if you stuck with either mum or Alison, not both, the reason is throughout reading I got lost to who Alison was and why Danny was calling her that. Secondly is to ease into things when you went from describing how Alison is comfortable in her body then skipped onto Danny's appearance it was quite abrupt and unexpected, I had to read through that chapter again before I got the gist of what was happening, but other than that I think that basic plot is great and the description you use is perfectly suited for it. Good Luck!