hello read this now i need your feedback :|

[DGM]

I've been thinking about writing a short story but i always go off track with it so a friend told me to write my main characters profile first then build around it so i gave it a try this is my characters profile so far it just a rough draft but i want to know what ppl thing about it or if there something i should changer your feedback will be greatly appreciated


characters profile

power:

inflict pain

he can only create pain he can only feel pain



Name:has no real name is only known as suffer

names origin:he a creature of pure suffering



power origin story:

his mother work as a scientist at a weapon research facility she was working on a top secret projector while unbeknown to her she was with child



the projector involved a new chemical weapon that had be used recently in a small village in asia intel believed that the village was just a test for the weapon and that it would be used again most likely on a area with a large population



the chemical itself once in you system would cause intense pain, sickness and in most cases insanity that is if you didn't try to kill you self to stop the pain



it was a top priority to develop a way to neutralize the chemical weapon



while working with the chemical due to a rip in one of the facility hazmat suit his mother get infected by the chemical weapon and is put in an induced comer to ease her suffering what they could not have know is the effects that it would have on her unborn child still developing in her womb



weakness:

love cute/visually pleasurable things and yummy food they are the only thing that don't bring him pain

reason:

they the only senses not affected by the affect the chemical weapon had on his body



background:

cybernetic enhances by Research 6

trained from birth to be invaluable both mentally and physically

Undergoing extreme mental and physical training

master of many fighting styles and is highly skill in most

can use any weapon with weapon unknown to him he can learn very quickly

master strategist

fluent in most languages

can use and hack most technology



tragic flaw:

he can't touch people



gender and build:

male

excellent build

has been trained by military to be use as a weapon for they own purposes



personality:

shy, happy go lucky, kinda insane and has an extreme appreciation of the good in the world

[Just a Writer]

Too Op. Balance the character out and give him more life. i feel almost absolutely nothing based on what i just read. give him a name, an appereance a real background. i like where the mother thing is going. make it more tragic. his powers/skills are too out there.

[jojo]

May 2, 2015 22:15:15 GMT -5 Just a Writer said:

Too Op. Balance the character out and give him more life. i feel almost absolutely nothing based on what i just read. give him a name, an appereance a real background. i like where the mother thing is going. make it more tragic. his powers/skills are too out there.

Hey
I like the idea of your story and I can see where you’re going with it.

Please don’t take offence to my comments, as I am giving you my honest opinion and hope that it will help you develop your story.

Firstly I like the power idea as well as, the why in which your character gains his power. However, it isn’t overly believable in its current form.

For example, this chemical weapon is supposed to cause its victims extreme pain and suffering, so intense that they would rather end their lives. But yet your main character has unlimited focus and self-discipline.

I know you mentioned that he has been trained from childhood, but given that his mother had to be induced in a coma to survive, I just feel it contradict slightly (sorry!!).
This character was involved in the military, this makes sense. If his mother was involved in secret weapon development gone wrong, there may have been a cover-up and he may have been kept/hidden/experimented on.

The baggiest improvement I can think of is to change the weapon. Instead of a chemical weapon, perhaps a bio weapon instead. Bio weapons would be more likely to cause genetic changes. Or even virus or radiation experiments, just a thought.

The pain/suffer power is ok given the current story line. But maybe he could have and extremely sensitive nervier system instead. Making touch, sight, smell really sensitive, so much so that is unbearable.

Last thought… at the moment your story sounds like a mix between born and Spiderman, with a bit of blade runner thrown in. Maybe make your main character a girl and mix it up.

Hope this helps, and good luck!!! X

[IndiBlevr]

I like your idea,

JoJo is right. Your main character needs to be 'more human' so we can relate to him

Think about 'Superman'

What do you like most about him?


Best wishes

[idonotevenknow099]

I quite like the character but also agree with JoJo. Your character is very stereotypical. Yes, he is a tragic character, only feeling pain, only taking in love and happiness from nice foods and visually nice things but not being able to touch a person without inflicting or feeling pain himself. Now think how this weakness could effect him. Think about the characters dreams, his wishes, the things that drive him. The things that could potentially drive him to inflict pain for bad purposes. Also after his birth did his mother survive, did she get taken away, did he get taken away?
Sorry I got a bit carried away, you have a lot of opportunities to write a great book here.
Good Luck!